An open letter to Kyle Sandilands

Trigger warning: This guy really needs ‘trigger warning’ stamped on his head.

Dear Kyle,

Congratulations! I’m doing just what you want me (well, not me specifically, but everybody like me who, you know, talks or writes or holds any kind of opinion at all) to do. Oh yes, I am actually devoting a moment of my time to not only think about you, but to mention your name. To other people. Wow. I’ve played right into your offensive little sausage-fingered hands!

I hope you enjoy the moment.

After all, you’ve given us so many moments of enjoyment. We were thrilled to bits when you had a fourteen year old girl hooked up to a polygraph live on radio so that you could ask her your sleaze-ball questions about her sex life. Even more titillating for the nation when she revealed, live on air, that she had been raped. It was a broadcasting triumph, especially when you plowed on with the sex questions, apparently undeterred that your subject was a child who had clearly stated that she was distressed. Ah, how entertaining it is, to put minors under duress and probe them for voyeuristic treasure.

Yes Kyle, you’ve done so much for us. Enough, surely?

So imagine my surprise when you bring us even more wit and an even softer target. Magda Szubanski is fat, and she’s in the public domain, so piling shit on her is practically mandatory in your line of work. Especially since, as predicted, the groundswell of support for her weight loss is starting to stagnate. Not only that but everyone knows how much fun it is to pick on fat women! I mean, they’re women! And they’re fat! What could be funnier?

Oh.. that’s right. Plenty of things are funnier than women! who are fat! but only one is funny enough to guarantee your stubbley little smirk a place on the front page of the tabloids: concentration camps. Wow! Hil.ar.i.ous. And, you wily little coyote, it couldn’t have been more inspired to direct this particular jibe at someone with Polish heritage, whose father was a WWII resistance fighter and whose grandparents risked their lives harboring Jews during the war. I mean, anyone would think you were trying to offend the maximum number of people and cause the greatest uproar possible.

Of course you weren’t, though. You’ve been in the media today saying that you’ve tried to contact Magda and that you didn’t mean to cause offense to her, and we believe you. Generally, if someone talks about how hideously fat I am and how I’d benefit from some good old fashioned starvation and torture, I assume they want to be my friend! It’s such a delightful thing to have a joke between friends, yes?

I really have to applaud you; never once have I heard even a minute of your radio show and I didn’t watch you on TV (when you were on, before those nasty execs took you off air for trying to have a deep and meaningful with a young girl) and yet here I am, writing to you. Thinking about you. Saying your name.

Thing is, I’m going to stop now. I’m done. And pretty soon we all will be. You can have all the peace and quiet you want because there is nothing, not one little tiny thing, that anyone in this country with any kind of sense wants to hear from you.

Ever again.