I’m reading Christiane Northrup’s book ‘Mother-Daughter Wisdom: Understanding the crucial link between mothers, daughters and health.’ All I really know about Northrup is that she’s often on Oprah talking about menopause, and that even though she comes out with some thoroughly bizarre statements at times, she does seem to know, well, things.
But I’m reading this book because my stepmum sent it to me. I don’t know how she knew, but it’s probably exactly the book I need to read right at this moment. We might not talk much but at least that intuition thing is working for us.
Northrup writes
Contrary to the myth, nurturing isn’t an innate default setting in the human female. It is active and requires strength, stamina, will, intelligence, and determination: all of the qualities that we tend to associate with maleness. And yet, because femaleness has so long been seen as inferior to maleness, the work of nurturing and raising our young has also been denigrated.
Now that doesn’t sound like something I’ve heard often on Oprah.
And in the same chapter:
When the fuel required for mothering and nurturing others is not replenished regularly, or when mothers don’t get their need for self-development met separately from their children’s or family’s needs, breakdowns and failures in the nurturing system manifest as depression, anxiety, and even violence that affect both mothers and children. Illness then becomes the most socially acceptable way to get nurturance needs met.
Now I know what that’s all about. Anyone who I know might be critical of our decision to put Bean in commercial child care one day a week when I don’t HAVE to in order to eat, gets the ‘by the way, my doctor says I have postnatal depression’ line. Because if I’m depressed, it’s okay to need a little extra space. If I’m just a human being with needs and desires separate from those of my child, then maybe I’m just selfish. Less than perfect.
A major argument in my honours dissertation, written nine years ago, was that we need to dismantle the myth of the perfect mother. That one way to keep feminism from doing its work is the perpetuation of this myth. And here I am, nine years later, beating myself up for not being perfect. No one else does it – in fact, I’m blessed with a loving partner and gorgeous friends who repeatedly tell me what a good job I’m doing, and a daughter who is manifestly healthy and exuberant. But I still tell myself multiple times a day that I’m shit at this gig. Either the Subliminal Patriarchal Propaganda Machines are way stronger than nine years of thinking and believing could ever be, or I have issues.
I’m taking an each-way bet on that one.
7 Comments
June 9, 2009 at 11:16 am
I am SO with you. I am an at home mum to 3 small ones and trying to study and write. The space issues is huge for me and I feel like a failure for even wanting my own time
“But I still tell myself multiple times a day that I’m shit at this gig”
Why do we do this to ourselves?
June 9, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Thanks for dropping by. I don’t know why we do it to ourselves but I know it ain’t healthy. Do I want my child to grow up thinking that women who are mothers don’t get to have their own needs met and end up frustrated doormats? Hell no. Everything we do teaches them about the world. I’m trying to think of it that way.
June 15, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I would argue that by placing bean in commercial child care you are not just doing yourself a favour, but doing what is in the best interests of bean. It is never to early to socialize with others, and this occurs in childcare. Where is it written that the most natural and best way to raise a child is in social isolation with one of its parents? I’m sure that back in times past our tribal culture would have offered an environment very similar to commercial childcare. If you relied on it 24 / 7 then I might question your priorities, but until then, I say good for you!
(And when ever I get the urge to think I’m S*%t at this gig, I just go to the local mall, watch the mulleted folks in the VB singlets dragging their kids about and suddenly I feel pretty good about my parenting abilities…)
June 15, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Well, given that we don’t have any grandparent or other extended family types spending a lot of regular time with her, I do sort of like the idea of her getting to know the carers and learning to be looked after by reliable adults other than her parents. And they are very affectionate and kind people who work there – it’s why I chose the place. So I don’t know if she really *needs* a whole day of socialisation with other kids but socialisation with other adults – I think that has merit. For both of us!
June 16, 2009 at 12:10 am
[...] Milk presents Bust that myth, already posted at Spilt [...]
June 16, 2009 at 7:21 am
Seriously. If you lived within one hundred miles of me, I would ask you over for some cupcakes and conversation. Thanks for your honest and wonderful writings.
June 17, 2009 at 2:29 am
That nurturing quote gets it so right. Basically, while you’re mothering you need mothering.
‘Illness … the most socially acceptable way to get nurturance needs met’ – sums up my theory about why my health gave out, three years ago. The thing is, seeing your subconscious busy doing something you don’t want it to doesn’t make you able to command it to do differently.
As for nursery etc, you know your sanity and your limits and your child better than anyone else. You already know that, too!