I’ve read a lot of books about pregnancy, birth and parenting. Some even before I was pregnant. But like most people, I didn’t know then what kind of parent I wanted to be, or what kind of challenges I would face. Now that I’ve read even more about this whole parenting caper as I’ve frantically searched for my own answers as well as expanding my knowledge in preparation for doulahood, I thought I’d share some of the gems that I’ve recently discovered.
- Breastfeeding…naturally This excellent book about breastfeeding is produced by the Australian Breastfeeding Association. It is definitive, up-to-date, readable and comprehensive. I challenge you to find a breastfeeding question or difficulty that is not at least mentioned in this book. Even better, it comes free with a subscription to the ABA. I really wish I had subscribed and met my local group before I had the Bean. We live and learn!
- The Attachment Parenting Book This guide is by peadiatrician Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha Sears, a nurse and lactation consultant. I would recommend pretty much anything by any of the Sears famliy, who never fail to put a baby-centred but positive and practical spin on their advice, which comes from a depth of knowledge and experience that few parenting ‘experts’ can boast. This book in particular is great for expectant or new parents – whether Attachment Parenting is something that you think you want to do or not. Before I had the Bean, I confess, I thought that parents who practised AP were mostly hippies who didn’t believe in discipline or boundaries. In other words, I had no understanding of what the AP philosophy actually is. When I read this book I was so thrilled to find that many of the practices I had instinctively gravitated towards were in fact part of a parenting style with proven benefits. Well worth a look.
- Fresh Milk by Fiona Giles is a wonderful book. It covers all the stuff about breastfeeding that may not be in the more practically-based guides. Reading this book made me want to jump up and run around topless in a lactation celebration. It doesn’t shy away from the more complex or unnerving elements of lactation and breastfeeding lore, such as wetnursing and sexuality (or putting some breastmilk in the chaplain’s tea). Everyone who has breasts, or loves them, really ought to read this.
- Pinky McKay’s Parenting by Heart is a great introduction to parenthood. McKay is one of my favourite parenting ‘experts’ — she writes warmly and reassuringly. She is a certified lactation consultant and her advice is breastfeeding-friendly. She acknowledges that all children and parents are different and that no approach should be one-size-fits-all. She gives mothers permission to carry their infant around all day, if that is all that will calm both of you, regardless of what Aunt Mavis might say about ‘spoiling’. At the same times she gives mothers permission to shut their bedroom door and spend an hour painting their toenails while Aunt Mavis takes care of the baby, if that is what is needed. I wish I had read this before I entered those wild and desperate early weeks of parenthood when I was most vulnerable to the well-meaning ‘advice’ we are all bombarded with.
- The last book on my list today is one I have not yet finished reading. I picked it up at the library, thinking it was a book about natural birth, only to discover later that it is actually a compelling and fascinating treatise on the fallout from blanket testing for foetal abnormalities. Anyone who is pregnant, or might become pregnant, should read Defiant Birth by Melinda Tankard Reist. Whatever your stance on abortion (mine, for the record, is firmly pro-choice), it is horrifying to read of how many women are encouraged to abort foetuses who later turn out to be perfectly healthy children; or of how many mothers of disabled children are now asked why they didn’t ‘have the test’ — the assumption being that had they undergone prenatal testing their children would have been aborted. I confess I meekly went off for my prenatal testing as referred by my obstetrician, only questioning afterwards whether I had really wanted to. Pro-choice I may be: but informed choice it must be, right from the question of whether to have a test in the first place. Aside from airing this important and little-discussed issue, the book also allows for a space for the stories of people whose pregnancy outcomes may not have been what they had hoped. Stories that are hard to read, but important. I imagine anyone who is facing the reality of a worrying result from prenatal tests would gain much strength and courage, as well as knowledge, from this book.
I love Sears, lived with Fussy Baby Book in my pocket, more or less, for about three years!
That phrase ‘informed choice’ sounds so obvious and yet is so complex. As well as essential.
I’m really interested in reading “Defiant Birth” – I was given a high risk of Down’s Syndrome with my second child and felt that I was being pushed down a particular road by the medical system: i.e. amniocentesis and abortion. My husband and I took less than a few hours to decide that we would have the baby regardless and that putting a fetus at risk with further screening just out of curiousity wasn’t worth it. I’m very much pro-choice with both prenatal screening and termination, but found it alarming how many waivers I had to sign when I refused those same screening processes with my third child. Doesn’t the “choice” in pro-choice mean you can choose either way?
Absolutely. If the book is in any way representative of the experience of parents who choose to continue with a pregnancy despite prenatal diagnosis of some kind of disability then it’s quite shocking. Most of them had to find another obstetrician, as few of doctors seem comfortable with any option other than termination, even well past 20 weeks gestation. And the scary part is many of them ended up with perfectly healthy children. I remember asking my obstetrician all kinds of questions about his practice during birth but I never asked him if he’d drop me like a hot potato if I was carrying a Downs sydrome baby. Naively, I never thought that was a question one might need to ask.
For dads-to-be I would recommend “From Here To Paternity” by Sacha Molitorisz. The book is based on his blog: Who’s Your Daddy, which I still really enjoy. Certainly not a how-to guide, but an amusing story of one man’s journey from conception to early-baby-days.
Many of the “dad” books (particularly the more “amusing” reads) are just plain insulting – promoting paternity tests at the earliest opportunity (to make sure it’s yours!), etc, etc, etc. The more serious “dad” books (eg those by Daniel Petre) I found a bit preachy. Daniel Petre’s big push is for dads to be more involved with their kids, which is great. But as someone who didn’t need to be convinced of this idea I didn’t really get a great deal out of his books. The one great idea that I took to heart of his was that when you are a paid-working dad it is critical to schedule (and lock-in) family time as you would any other work meeting. On the basis of this I decided that I would finish work at a set time on Tuesdays and take my son to his swimming lessons. But given I’ve explained in in less than a paragraph there is no real reason to read 500+ pages on the topic!
I would like to agree with the Breastfeeding…naturally recommendation – one of the few resources that comprehensively covers breastfeeding. If you are in Australia I would also recommend their Breastfeeding Education Classes for while you are pregnant.
A general comment on most pregnancy and baby books is they are almost all blatantly sexist. They assume the reader is female – any many then proceed with the stereotypical men-bashing (can only think of one thing at once, don’t clean the house, etc, etc) Robin Baker’s Baby Love reminds Fathers (in the 2 pages devoted to Dad’s in 566 pages) that apparently we need to single-handedly take care of the mortgage, and that we need to offer to babysit while mum goes to the hairdresser! Kaz Cooke in Kidwrangling devotes 14 pages to Dads in 771 pages – in which she imparts such useful advice as: Dad’s need to do their fair share of the housework, and maybe spending some time with the baby is a good idea!
I read Pinky McKay’s Toddler Tactics, because it came free with an Australian Breastfeeding Association renewal. I wasn’t overly impressed… I think the main issue I have is a positive one for me – since the birth of my son I’ve developed my confidence as a Dad to the point where I don’t need a book to provide me with “permission” to parent the way that I want to. So my aim in reading Toddler Tactics was basically to look to the future and get an idea of what my son will get up to, and practical methods for dealing with the fall out! My disappointment I suppose was that Pinky and my general parenting philosophies match to the point that I would think “isn’t that obvious!”. That being said there were a number of key areas where we don’t agree (e.g. co-sleeping isn’t something we do, vaccination is). She interviewed a number of “parents” (no dads of course) on their views and experiences and quotes from these interviews were included throughout the book. The first irritation was that in no way were these parents representative of the full ranges of parents out there – they were all in general agreement with Pinky’s philosophy. The second irritation was it seemed Pinky included in these quotes aspects of her philosophy that I feel the editors would not allow in the main body of text, for example the interviewees made claims (which I don’t think can be backed up by evidence) on the (poor) safety of vaccinations. An aspect that I really missed was a comprehensive list of resources and references – Pinky includes some, but not many. My comparison is to Kaz Cooke’s Up the Duff and Kidwrangling who includes an amazing array of really usefully references at the end of each chapter.
As the chief researcher in our family during (and less so after) the pregnancy I read every book I could about the whole process. I thought that this was really useful in preparing myself as best as I could for what was to come. I have to say though that when my wife was in labour at home I went straight to Birthnet for info on what 1 minute contractions, 1 minute apart and involuntary muscle twitches meant (well into 1st stage – just about to go into transition – get to hospital NOW even though they don’t reckon she’s ready!).
That is a very good point: baby books do tend to be inherently sexist. I know a couple of other dads who have been the main ‘researchers’ in the family and found it a bit demoralising. Even our antenatal classes were pretty bad – assuming that fathers would have to be told not to wait outside the room – and the hospital breastfeeding class was in the middle of a week-day when of course partners were likely to be at work. I thought it was a bit stupid that they started the class with a lecture about how important it is for dads to help with breastfeeding! (Incidentally, I was thrilled to see that someone had produced a DVD about breastfeeding especially for fathers, “Blokes, Babies and Breastfeeding” but I watched it and it was pretty patronising as well.)
I think there is a real problem with a society that expects involved fathers but is not structured well to support this, or sends mixed, half-hearted messages. I’ve even heard of a popular swim-school near where I live that won’t allow fathers to take babies for the first term of classes because the teacher assumes that the mother will have a better connection with the child. When I heard that I decided to go to Gymbaroo instead, on principle! I guess (hope) that these things will change and more dads take the opportunity to be fully involved in parenting.
You are so right about the ABA course – I never went, and I should have, and I certainly should have joined my local group. I don’t know if it would have helped reduce the pain in those early weeks (the Bean wasn’t holding up her end of the bargain much of the time) but it would definitely have reduced my distress and isolation.
What I’m wondering is, do you think it would have made such a great deal of difference if you had read those books before having the baby? I firmly believe that NO AMOUNT OF READING could have prepared me for this journey.
I will also say, regarding the Sears (I have The Baby Book) – sometimes they are a bit too apple pie, good ol’ family values for me! But I do love the ideals of attachment parenting, though I cannot understate how hard it is to follow in our society. I’ve made a lot of compromises in that regard. Sigh.
You’re quite right about the Sears… perhaps that’s why they turn up on Oprah with alarming regularity! I wouldn’t say I practice Attachment Parenting but some of the principles are applied on our home… most of the time. I don’t know why we really need the labels anyway, except to make it more convenient to put other parenting styles down!
And you certainly can’t become a parent by reading a book – it’s something you learn by doing, of course. But knowledge is power, and I think the one thing that may have been different for me is confidence to tell other people where to get off when it was warranted. And ideas outside the mainstream, perhaps.
‘Confidence to tell other people where to get off when it was warranted’ – me too. If only.